Question
As-Salamu `Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh (May Allah’s Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!)
I got married 5 years ago, and I have a four-year-old child. I live with my husband abroad for study. My husband and I are of similar age and we have the same interests. I love my husband very much and trust him, for he is a kind-hearted man. But I feel he is not mature because of his behavior with me and his attitude with his friends. For example, he’s always out of the house and I only sit with him two hours a day. He is very social. He neglects his responsibilities and inclines to bachelorship. When I ask him: Why are you out late? He says: As usual, I was with my friend. He claims that he does not do anything that incurs the wrath of Allah. He likes to establish his manhood over me by preventing me from shopping for trivial matters because I criticize his repeated mistakes. Our intimate relationship is bad. Weeks pass without any feeling that he wants me. My husband is miser. To the extent that if I want to buy something with my money, he refuses saying: We live abroad and need money. He is perfect with other people but not with me and does not play his role as a father to my daughter. He does not pay attention to my feelings and my sickness, and when he takes me to the hospital, he only performs his social role. I do not feel his love and he does not tell me the words of love. I am so nervous and do not care much for myself, and if I care for myself, I do not feel much difference. Sometimes, he comes home while I am asleep after he finishes his evening, but I refuse him as he enjoys his night, watches TV and the Internet…etc., and I am the last in his list of interest, not to mention his continuous lying. My father and his mediator worked to solve our problems, particularly his delay in coming home at night, with no use. Tell me what should I do and how to deal with him?
Answer
In the name of Allah who guides His Servants to what is right, and He is the Only implored for help.
Perhaps the last line of your message explains the reasons of your problem which is the wide gap between you and your husband.
Your adornment should be an integral part of your way of life. Not just for intimate relationships, but for yourself, whether or not your husband pays attention to your adornment or not, it should not affect your adornment and caring for yourself because it is the nature of females. “(Do they then like for Allah) a creature who is brought up in adornments (wearing silk and gold ornaments, i.e. women).” [Surat Az-Zukhruf: 18].
As you have accustomed your husband to see you in that bad condition, he no longer sees the image which attracts his attention. Moreover, your linkage between adornment and sexual intercourse has a negative image in the mind of your husband, so you should pay attention to yourself as a female. And remember that your husband sees beautiful pictures of women in streets or in TV and he should see that beautiful image at home, and you should not refuse to have sexual intercourse with him.
On the other hand, your husband needs to spend some time with his friends, just as you have the same need and there is no problem in friendship and friends in general. Therefore, you should ask yourself the question: What is the thing your husband finds at his friends and does not find at home?
In other words: What are the things which your husband needs and cannot find at home?
A wife should be the best friend of her husband, and check on his needs. Perhaps your husband lacks these things due to your character or your method or your frequent requests in the course of the pressure of study and alienation.
In addition, you should correct your negative image about the female inside you and the image of your husband that he is neglectful, cheating on you, miser, or cruel and replace them with other positive images such as: The loving husband, the loyal, the generous, and the kind then treat with yourself and your husband according to this new image. Do not get despair of reforming your husband, asking Allah to reform your conditions and bring back intimacy and kindness between you and your husband, Amen!
Allah (Glory be to Him) is the Most Knowledgeable with what is right.
