Question
As-Salamu `Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh (May Allah’s Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!)
I just finished my study this year and I’m in love with a girl who is one year younger than I am. I promised her that I would marry her after I finish my military service and start work, which is just a matter of time. I did not tell my family about the matter because I am newly graduated. And I don’t know my military status yet and I am afraid it will be said to me, ‘you are still too young.’ She called me recently because her father wants to give her in marriage to a relative. Her father immediately accepted but she told me: I threw the ring in his face in the presence of my father and family and said to them: I do not want him and I do not love him. Her father insisted on giving her in marriage to that relative, and she does not know what to do. I also do not know what to do; should I tell my family and betroth her or what should I do?
Answer
As-Salamu `Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh (May Allah’s Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!)
Welcome and I ask Allah to guide you to the best.
Love is a great warm feeling that directs a true lover to marry. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The cure for a male and a female who love each other is marriage.”
A lover exerts a lot of effort to draw nearer to his beloved and exert all possible efforts to do so.
Is the girl whom you loved is worthy of your love and heart and has the qualities of a righteous wife to which men yearn?
Abu Hurayrah (may He be Exalted) narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “A woman is married for four things: Her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.”
So, religion is the criterion and the origin despite the importance of the other three characteristics.
I did not like her phrase “Threw the ring in his face in the presence of my father.”
The general rule is to respect the parents and advancing their obedience even if they behave in a way that we do not like. It is improper to do that before her father. A good husband helps his wife to be obedient to her parents as she helps him to obedient to his family. She had to refuse in a decent manner, especially her fiancé is a relative to her father.
Throwing the ring in his face in that way will stir the anger of her father as it will make him insist on giving her hand in marriage to the relative, and perhaps he would refuse to give her hand to you because lenience and nice treatment attract the love of hearts no matter how stubborn is the other party and how insistent he is.
She has to talk to her father leniently and gain his heart by love to persuade him that she will not be happy in the future with a husband she does not love and her conditions may become worse and she may become divorced and her suffering becomes bigger.
You have to tell your family as long as you love her and wants to marry her truthfully. Your request is lawful and permissible for you to protect yourself. The Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Three people have a right to Allah’s help: the warrior in Allah’s path, the Mukatab who resolves to pay and the one who marries with intention of being chaste.”
So, poverty does not stand as a barrier in the face of marriage, for sustenance is in the hand of Allah who provides sustenance to whomever He wills without rendering an account. Likewise, study or military service does not stand as a barrier, for you may betroth her then you serve in the army and after you end your military period, you marry her.
Go and betroth her, then rely on Allah, for we do not get despair. The solution is out there because the favor of Allah is ample and His Sustenance is great.
Seek forgiveness from Allah frequently, for Allah grants sustenance from the goodness of the heavens and the earth because of seeking forgiveness. Allah says: “I said (to them): ‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, Verily, He is Oft-Forgiving; * He will send rain to you in abundance, * And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.” [Surat Nuh: [10 – 12].
May Allah guide you to goodness.
